This December, my wife and I would have spent the last 25 years together as a married couple. 25 years is neither too long nor too short a time. In 2022, we both attended the 62nd wedding anniversary of an elderly couple! Just looking at our dear friends still holding hands, going from table to table to talk to their guests warmed both our hearts.
They have both gracefully aged over the years and occasionally, his wife would look at me and try to remember my name. And her husband would lovingly tell her my name again. He would then share with me that his wife’s memory is slowly getting bad. I could hear and see a tinge of sadness in his voice and eyes. Despite this, he would still lovingly care for her.
I often wonder what kept them together for the past 64 years. Did they have moments when they felt like giving up and calling it quits in their marriage? What helped them stay in love and stay married for so long?
One of my favourite love songs is Longer[1] by the late Dan Fogelberg. In my younger days, I used to imagine myself singing this to someone special. The song goes like this:
Longer than there’ve been fishes in the ocean
Higher than any bird ever flew
Longer than there’ve been stars up in the heavens
I’ve been in love with you
Stronger than any mountain cathedral
Truer than any tree ever grew
Deeper than any forest primeval
I am in love with you
Chorus:
I’ll bring fire in the winters
You’ll send showers in the springs
We’ll fly through the falls and summers
With love on our wings
Through the years as the fire starts to mellow
Burning lines in the book of our lives
Though the binding cracks and the pages start to yellow
I’ll be in love with you
I’ll be in love with you
The simple lyrics describes a love that is not fleeting or conditional, but a love that endures through all changing seasons and challenges and speaks of the writer’s love and devotion to the one he loves.
I looked back at my own marriage through the years and honestly there were times, we both felt like giving up and calling it quits.
Recently, my wife had accidentally scraped our car against a car parked next to ours whilst driving out of the lot. As she was in a hurry to get to her workplace, she texted me to ask me to help leave a note on the owner’s car.
I quickly rushed down to where our car last parked to leave a note on the owner’s car hoping the owner hadn’t driven off yet. I was thinking now what if the owner discovered his car was damaged, and the culprit had driven off without leaving a note. His dashboard camera would have caught my car on video and the owner could have posted the video on Stomp with the headlines – “Driver of red car drives off after damaging car! Own up please!”
While all these thoughts were rushing through my mind, I reached the lot in which my car was previously parked and to my huge relief, the damaged car was still there! But my heart sank when I saw the model of the car! It was a BMW and the side near the headlight and bumper was badly scratched.
I was upset! Upset at my wife for being careless. Upset that she drove off without leaving a note and upset that I had to sort out the mess for her. I quickly left a note of apology with my contact on the windshield.
As I was walking up to my place, I began to feel more upset. She had recently also scraped the side of our car against the wall of the car park! Maybe, we should just scrap our car! Sigh! See! Pastor also can get upset and angry!
There and then, I knew my heart wasn’t right and I needed the Spirit’s help. I got home, came before the Lord and confessed my feelings of anger. I also asked the Spirit to calm my heart and prayed that I would be patient and loving towards my wife. I also prayed that the owner would not be nasty, that he would be honest and that the damage compensation to the BMW wouldn’t be too much!
An hour later, the car owner contacted me and thanked me for leaving the note and a reasonable compensation was agreed between us. I thanked God that the eventful morning ended well. I updated my wife about the good outcome and we were both thankful to God.
I reflected on all that happened and realised that despite being together for 25 years, my love for my wife still has its ups and downs. There would be moments where my love for her would be like how the song goes … “longer, higher, stronger, truer and deeper” yet just a minor accident would cause me to lose my patience with her.
I recall the period of my life when I was struggling with depression and how my wife was ever so patient with me when I got angry and upset with her over the smallest things, and how she would often remind me that she loves me!
I guess I still have a long way in learning to love my wife “longer, higher, stronger, truer and deeper”.
I am sure all of us who are married would similarly identify with the feelings I have shared. Our love for our spouses has its ups and downs. At times, our love for each other knows no bounds. At other times, we just wish that the other person is far from us and not around.
In all honesty, our love for our spouse is far from the love that God has for all of us. Our love is still imperfect and constantly in need of His transforming work in our hearts.
Both Psalm 103:11-12 and Ephesians 3:18-19 speak of how wide, how long, how high, and how deep God’s love is. Our Father’s love for us is so great, of such magnitude that it’s beyond comprehension!
Only our God, the source of all love, can love us so much that we can barely comprehend the breadth and length and height and depth of it!
Recently, a friend proposed to his fiancée using the words from Isaiah 40:8. As he got down on one knee with flowers in his trembling hands, he said,
“The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever. I am imperfect and like the flowers that I am giving you, I won’t last forever or love you perfectly. If you’re willing to trust our perfect God and journey alongside me with Him, will you marry me?”
And of course, she said “yes” to my friend!
In a marriage, it is God’s love and His Word in our hearts that will enable us to love our spouses. The love that God has given us is a love that is sacrificial and self-giving, and His Word gives us His eternal promises!
In his book The Meaning of Marriage, Timothy Keller writes, “Whether we are husband or wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or a wife in marriage.”
You may have recently gotten married and have just begun your exciting new journey as husband and wife or perhaps you have been married for so long that you are partially deaf from your spouse’s nightly snoring adventures with a Harley Davidson motorcycle.
Remember that marriage is not the place where you find ultimate hope and fulfilment. Your marriage on earth is only temporary, but your marriage to Christ is eternal.
Besides the joys of marriage, there will also be pain, disappointments and tears. When we fail each other, like all married couples do, when either expectations are not met, or when we are separated by death one day, remember that we are still married to Jesus Christ, our Saviour.
May we learn to let our marriages here on earth be the place where Christ grows both man and wife towards that heavenly and spiritual union with Him.
Because God is love and His love is longer, higher, stronger, truer and deeper, we can come to Him in prayer – in gratitude, in trust and hope that His love and His promises will hold us firmly in life and death!
[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKTvsLFK4Ck
[2] The Meaning of Marriage – Timothy Keller
