In our relationship with God, communication and connection are so important. That’s why we always emphasise the spiritual discipline of Word and prayer. These are means of grace for God to speak to us and for us to pour our hearts out to him. In the process, we grow in our walk with the Lord as we become more and more connected to him, our Vine, our source of life, for truly apart from him, we can do nothing.

The relationship between husband and wife is often portrayed in the Bible as a reflection or earthly parallel to two major divine-human relationships: Israel and Yahweh in the Old Testament, and the Church and Christ in the New Testament.  If it is important for us to communicate with God so that we can be connected to him, shouldn’t this also apply to the relationship between married couples?

Unfortunately, even when husband and wife started off on a promising footing, over time, due to the stresses of life, pressures at work, busyness in childminding, cumulated disappointments which are not addressed, unresolved hurts being revisited ever so often, the couple drifts apart – communication breaks down and emotionally they become disconnected. Their marriage is said to have a shell but lacks substance.

If only they could sit down and talk to each other, listening with empathy and refraining from being defensive, their marriage could have been saved from spiralling downwards.

Sometimes, the breakdown in communication is a result of husband and wife failing to understand how each other ticks. According to studies, the man’s brain and the woman’s brain are wired differently. When men are stressed, they like to be left alone to sort things out on their own. Whereas when women are stressed, they like to talk about the issue at hand.

A well-meaning wife sees her husband looking downcast, and she goes over to him and asks, “Honey, why are you feeling so stressed? Would you like to talk about it?” Her husband would say (usually in his heart), “Go away!” Even if he were to talk about the matter, it would be superficial, which frustrates his wife who thinks that her concern for him is not reciprocated.

When a wife is feeling stressed, a husband might think the best approach is to give her space and leave her alone. However, that’s often not what she needs. Instead, if he were to gently ask about her day, she might open up and share everything she’s been holding in.

However, as soon as she begins to talk, the husband instinctively puts on his problem-solving hat, offering solutions and advice, which completely misses the point because she is yearning for a pair of listening ears rather than someone to fix the problem. She’s looking for empathy and understanding, not instructions on what to do next.

Of course, there are exceptions to what I have described above but you see, if we show our spouses love by speaking our own love language instead of theirs, they will not feel loved at all and all our efforts in showing love will backfire. This often leads to misunderstandings, breakdowns in communication, and a weakening of the emotional bond between husband and wife.

There are other barriers to good communication, and I sincerely believe that if we fail to communicate with our spouses, it will be difficult for us to resolve marital issues which inevitably surface from time to time.

That’s why the theme of our church’s upcoming marriage weekend — the first we’ve held in quite some time — is “Reignite the Conversation.” Through this retreat, we aim to inspire couples to communicate more deeply and strengthen their connection.

I heard that whenever we try to get people to sign up for marriage retreats, the typical responses are, “Oh, our marriage is good, so no need lah”; “no need lah, we have just been married, everything still going on fine”; “we have been married for so long and everything is fine, so no need”; “why don’t you look for those whose marriages are in trouble?”; “no time!” etc.

It’s important to note that retreats like this are not designed to rescue marriages that are on the brink of collapse. While you are absolutely welcome to attend, a weekend away is unlikely to bring lasting change if your relationship is in serious trouble. In such cases, we strongly encourage seeking professional help, where intentional and intensive counselling can provide the support and guidance needed for true healing.

Most of the time, husbands shudder from signing up for such retreats. They think that marriage is very private and there is no need to involve others. They hate the idea of having to share with other participants their marriage details and how theirs is working out. But wives are very different. They are very keen to go. They like the idea of making their marriages better.

To allay the husbands’ fears, the sharing at the retreat will be between you and your wife. Even if we open the floor for people to make comments and ask questions, you respond of your own free will and no one will be coerced to make their married life a public spectacle.

The retreat is designed to help married couples gain a deeper understanding of each other. And if there are ways to further strengthen your marriage, why not learn the skills and knowledge that can help you thrive and make your relationship even stronger?

For those with children, remember that a strong marriage lays the foundation for a secure and loving home environment. When communication breaks down between you and your spouse, your children will notice — often before anyone else does. They are more perceptive than we sometimes realise and are deeply affected by the emotional climate at home.

For their sake, for your sake, and above all, for the sake of God’s glory since our marriages serve as a signboard for the relationship between Christ and the church, let us be faithful stewards of this sacred gift. Marriage is a blessing from the Lord, and it’s one we are called to honour and nurture.