(Note: This perspective can be read and worked through in a DG setting to evaluate the DG as a platform to form spiritual friendships.)
Like it or not, we need friends.
Introverted or extroverted, we never desire to be deserted.
We are social creatures.
“It is not good that the man should be alone” (Gen 2:18).[1]
And even if we are not alone, we may still feel lonely in the crowd.
In fact, it is said that ‘the greatest loneliness is to be alone in a crowd’.
And even if we find friends to journey with, friendships are often difficult to navigate. Difficult to navigate because there are often tensions to navigate.
What are these tensions?
Tension 1: Vulnerability vs Discernment
First, how do we navigate the tension of between being vulnerable and being discerning about what to share?
Authenticity, in the sense of being ‘real’ to others, is a trait deeply prized today. From rise of reality TV decades ago to the rise of the projected self on social media, it is clear that authenticity is deeply prized. And in a sense, it should indeed be prized. After all, Jesus hated hypocrisy.
But…are there limits to our vulnerability? Must we always be indiscriminately and completely transparent to those around us? I trust that we would know better than to relate without filters. Why would we pour out our hearts to someone who isn’t listening? Why would we share intimate life details to those who can’t keep a secret? Outside of Eden and in the wild, utter vulnerability is not an option. We throw our pearls to pigs at our own peril.
Tension 2: Listening vs Challenging
Second, good friends are able to listen well and challenge appropriately. Yet often, we are adept at one and fail at the other. Sometimes, we fail to listen deeply to each other before speaking. Other times, the courage to challenge eludes us – we fail to say what needs to be said:
I think this relationship is bad for you.
I think you need to apologise to him/her because you are in the wrong.
I think you need to give this up to prioritise Christ.
How can we balance the two?
Tension 3: Expectations vs Realism
Third, how can we be faithful friends when in reality the vast majority of our close friendships don’t stay close?
Often our struggles in friendship are reflex reactions.
Reflex reactions to hurts of the past.
For many of us the reality is that we’ve had close friends who:
Didn’t bother to keep in touch.
Deserted us when we needed them the most.
Betrayed our trust and vulnerability.
Or perhaps, the friendship just died a natural death over time.
Whatever it may be, we carry these experiences with us into the present.
Sometimes we are changed for the better, at other times we grow bitter.
But what is for sure is that we never stay the same.
It takes a lot to cultivate lasting friendship in a globalised city. First, in a city, as opposed to a village, there are endless choices of what one can do with one’s life. This means that while I meet you in the same class, in the same school, at the same time, next year we can be in completely different jobs. Second, in a globalised world, where I could be living in another country next week, it really does take a lot.
There are no easy solutions to these questions. If we keep our expectations unrealistically high, we will end up wounded when reality bites. If we dwell too much in isolated darkness, our hearts grow cold and lifeless, starved of the sunlight of friendship.
Navigating These Tensions
So how can we navigate these tensions?
I leave you with two thoughts from C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves. One concerns the source of friendship and the other concerns the destination of friendship. Perhaps (just perhaps), these might help us frame these tensions in friendships.
First, friendship is a divine gift. Lewis writes:
“In friendship… we think we have chosen our peers. In reality, a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few miles between the houses, the choice of one university instead of another… the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting—any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, ‘Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,’ can truly say to every group of Christian friends, ‘You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.’”
Spiritual friendships are neither random social coincidences nor determined man-made outcomes. Rather, they are orchestrated by God according to His fatherly goodness. Seen as a God-given gift, we may see the fleeting relationship as a gift in season according to what God deems fit. And it may also help us to realise that God is the only constant: ‘Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.’ (James 1:17)
Second, friendship is about a shared purpose. Lewis writes:
“Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers.”
“Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .’”
Deep friendships, especially deep spiritual friendships, must be oriented toward a common pursuit. For Christians, that ultimate pursuit is God. We help each other seek Christ and His Kingdom. We help each other persevere in the faith.
If Christ is more precious to us than the friendship, we are free to take risks in conversations. We find the courage to say difficult things that may risk the friendship altogether.
Friendships are difficult. But with God as the source and destination of our friendships, at least we have perspective when disappointment strikes.[2]
[1] Yet many amongst us feel precisely alone. Here in Singapore, this sense of isolation is ironically felt most acutely by age groups that are most digitally ‘connected’. A 2023 survey revealed that individuals aged 21 to 34 reported higher levels of social isolation and loneliness compared to other age groups. Within this age group, 56% of respondents felt anxious about in-person interactions, and 53% found it easier to communicate online than offline.
[2] If this perspective seems pessimistic, it is because it is. Friendships can sometimes be deeply rewarding and joyful. But friendships on this side of heaven can also often be deeply disappointing. Being unrealistically jolly about it can deepen the disappointment. It seems fitting in this season of Lent to remember our Lord, for whom it was said, ‘they all left him and fled.’ (Mark 14:50).
