RAISING CHILDREN: A GRACE-FILLED CALLING

“I wish I have time to watch Netflix,” I quipped, as my colleague gave me a raving review about a Korean drama that he thought I would like. I quickly said that, given our family’s current circumstances, I would have to seek my wife’s concurrence on the show before I watched it.

As parents of a toddler called Noah and a six-month-old named Luca, my wife Gracia and I have had to keep our heads above a sea of diaper changes, feedings, bedtime rules, doctors’ appointments, and all the unexpected situations that fill every hour of the lives of young parents. Like many young parents, we also have full-time jobs. So we have to be economical with whatever time we have left.

While we have domestic help at home, our decision has been to allow our helper to focus on the housework while we focus on taking care of our boys. We also have help from our parents a couple of days a week for a few hours each time, but the days are gone when I could do what I wanted with my time. Our priorities have shifted, and the arrival of two boys to our family has inevitably morphed “me-time” into “we-time”.

What this means is even after the boys have gone to bed and I want to unwind, I now consider how to do that while also spending time with Gracia. Hence we have made Netflix a shared viewing, not a solo viewing, and hence the need for concurrence, and taking turns to choose what to watch.

Instead of insisting on the way of life as we used to know it, we have tried to find a new normal.

It’s not just Netflix. Being a young father has included other sacrifices.

When Noah was about six months old, I made the difficult decision to explore the job market for new opportunities. I’d been comfortable in my role as a litigator in a small law firm where I had worked for five years, but decided to look for a change.

Due to my background and training, I had wanted to continue doing litigation work. That was my aspiration. However, because of my young child, I decided not to explore roles that would require me to be away from home for too long. During interviews, I made it a point to mention that I would like to have some flexibility in my work arrangements. This understandably did not go down well with some interviewers, one of whom kindly mentioned that maybe the role I was interviewing for was “not what I was looking for.” But between aspiration and responsibility, I knew I wanted to be present at home in this season.

By God’s grace, I landed a back-end advisory role in the Ministry of Social and Family Development that allows me to work from home two to three days a week and help out with the kids. Even on days that I’m in office, I try to leave promptly to be home as soon as I can. This does not mean that I’ve become a clock-watcher or that I dodge my share of work responsibilities, I still do all my work as best I can. But it does mean working hard and maximising the use of my time in office to finish as much as possible while I’m there. In my new job, I am exposed to policy work, which I think will help me grow.

I have never regretted the decision to have children. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with the boys and watching them grow and develop. They bring much joy and laughter to our household. I love them.

Having children has also pushed Gracia and I to work better as a duo: covering for each other when we are sick or tired (or both), checking in on each other in the midst of the busyness, exchanging words of encouragement and recognition to make sure we know we’re trying our best. In the midst of the daily grind, our marriage has grown stronger as we learn to support and rely on each other better.

But while I’ve never had a doubt about having children, I have wondered if the timing was right.

In many societies today, young marrieds are often told that they should focus on their careers, or delay having babies, because they are still young. This is reflected in the year-on-year increase in the median age of when mothers have their first child. In Singapore, this age has become 31.9 years in 2024, where it had been 30.5 ten years earlier.

It is therefore no wonder that I often get surprised reactions when I tell someone I’d just met that I am a father of two. I take this as a compliment because it must mean I look youthful. But I would be lying if I said that these shocked reactions did not set me thinking: Did I make the right choice to have children this early? Could I have worked on building my career?

These questions are hard ones, but really, the hard work is in actually raising the children. How do you ensure that your children grow up well, not just physically, intellectually, but also spiritually, while you’re constantly trying to keep them out of harm’s way?

Also the competitive schooling environment in Singapore brings pressure to send Noah, young as he is, to as many enrichment classes as possible. I experience FOMO, what we know as the fear of missing out, whenever I hear of a class that Noah’s peers are attending and he is not. Am I depriving Noah of reaching his true potential? What if he never discovers his hidden talent because we do not send him for music classes? Shouldn’t you help your child grow? In a world of so many choices and priorities, what are the real ones?

Ensuring spiritual well-being feels like an even more uphill task. Bringing an energetic toddler to Sunday service doesn’t mean he learns anything. It means I don’t always get to hear the sermon myself, much less pick out learning points for him. Our nightly devotion often descends into a staring contest; a battle of wills as to what gives first - Noah’s refusal to pray, or our insistence on our nightly routine.

But there are also glimpses of truth getting into him, like when he’s able to recognise that God created the dinosaurs, planets and construction vehicles that he enjoys, when he unexpectedly tells Gracia and me “Jesus loves you!”, or when he screams Jesus’ name when I tickle him because we have told him that if he ever needs help, he just needs to call upon the name of Jesus. However, how am I to ensure that these flashes of understanding of who God is will translate into a firm faith when he is older?

In November, Gracia and I attended the membership class in preparation for Luca’s baptism this Christmas. There, we were reminded that the Church also has a part to play in raising children to love and fear God. I am thankful that True Way provides Noah, and will soon provide Luca, a safe space to be himself. When Noah runs along the corridors with his partner-in-crime Azriel, Gracia and I know that there will always be uncles and aunties looking out for them if they fall.

Beyond that, I am comforted that the church community will also contribute to teaching the boys about God. I know this will happen, not just formally through catechism classes but because knowing God also comes from being with, and loving one another, and seeing Christ in each other.

I also feel heartened that the youths I once taught will one day likely lead the DGs that Noah and Luca will be part of. We have every reason to invest time and effort into all our children because one day they will be our missionaries, deacons, elders and even pastors.

I’m just a young dad. It’s only been two-and-a-half years. But I have come to realise that being a father is a calling from God. It’s not an easy calling, it’s a calling marked by, and sustained only through God’s grace. It’s a long and messy calling that may not bear fruit quickly, yet it’s one that God calls us to plug away at faithfully.

I don’t always manage to keep my cool getting Noah to pray or pay attention during devotion time. But God promises to transform me, and, in His good and mysterious ways, my two boys into Christ-likeness.

Gracia and I have decided to baptise both our boys as infants. Some of our friends feel baptism is a choice they want their kids to make for themselves when they are old enough to profess their faith. That is not wrong, and we’re not smarter, but we also realise that baptism is not only what we profess, what we’re capable of saying to God and others, but what God says to us. In baptism, God is saying He is giving us His gift of grace. He is calling our boys into His family.

On Christmas Day, when we stand before our church family, Gracia and I, along with other young parents, will feel the tug in our hearts when we see the hands that the church will raise in support of every baby and every young dad and mom who have brought their children to receive God’s blessing.

On that day, I will know again that the love I feel for Noah and Luca is infinitely outweighed by the love God has for them. And swapping Netflix for fishing nets to “fish” for Noah and Luca becomes an answer to a real calling.

Joel Seah, 33, grew up in True Way and enjoys serving with the youths. He is married to Gracia and they have two young boys, Noah and Luca.

Editor-in-chief Lee Chung Horn • Subeditors/writers Joyce Peh, Michelle Cheong, Soh Lay Bin, Kevin Chua, Jakin Heng, Gracia Lee, Michelle Ng, Yang Hai Kun • Photographers Jimmy Ang, Ang Li Yan, William Neo, Ronnie Koh, Erick Kencana, Jethro Fernandez • Web design Tony Cheung
TOGETHER is published online twice a year. Opinions expressed are those of the authors. All rights reserved. Current and previous issues of TOGETHER are available at trueway.org.sg/newsletters.